Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
