So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
