It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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