You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
