i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
