nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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