I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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