you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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