Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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