I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
