Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
