Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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