She is in my trunk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
