apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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