also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I love having hate sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
