I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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