if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
