so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
