it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
