i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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