I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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