The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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