Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
