um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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