I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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