Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
