it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
