I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
