Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
