No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
