I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
