help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
