I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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