really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
