Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
