I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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