If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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