Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
