First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
