Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
