I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
