you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
