I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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