I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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