Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
