she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
