yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
