we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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