Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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