Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
